How to be a Badass and Win at Life

I’m really excited to welcome another guest blogger to The Fourth Month. Karishma has written an insightful how-to guide to boosting your self-confidence with inspiration from scholars to Queen Bey. Follow these top tips if you’re needing a boost during the dark wintery nights and the assessment period at University.

There is a TONNE of material out there that highlights the importance of self-confidence in helping you achieve your dreams and I have read, watched and listened to most of them…Yep, I was once plagued with a lack of self-love, fear of failure, inability to speak to more than one person at a time and general anxiety where my brain repelled every positive thought like it was poison.

OMG, he stared at me for a whole two seconds. Is something wrong with me? This will haunt me for three years!

I think I want to change my style up a bit and try out some new clothes. But wait, I don’t want people to think I’m trying to be cool… 

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Sound familiar? Even if these aren’t your particular fears, you can probably relate to the feeling of being so unsure of yourself that you’re terrified to even try. Take a minute and think about how CONFIDENT you are in yourself? Now rate yourself between one (lowest) and ten (highest). Before you do this, you might ask:  what is confidence anyway? Why is it so important? Does being confident result in success? If so, can I become more confident and how?

Time for a little psychology lesson. There are a wealth of different theories out there but we’re going to use Albert Bandura’s (1977) definition of the term “self-efficacy” which despite the distinction he made can be interchangeable with the term “self-confidence” and describes “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations.” Let me put it this way, if you had an opportunity to perform with your favourite artist on stage, would you take it because you believe that you can handle it? Or would you refuse because you’re too scared that you might end up making a fool of yourself? If your confidence rating is under five, then it’s safe to say you would probably pass up this awesome opportunity. But fret not if you have a low rating because you can improve all the way up to a ten!

One of the mistakes I made during my journey to a more confident individual was confusing self-esteem with self-confidence. A lot of sources tend to use these terms interchangeably but self-esteem reflects your personal worth – it is a judgment and attitude toward oneself. How inherently valuable do you think you are? Do you think you deserve happiness? Do you think you deserve forgiveness? Do you like yourself? Self-confidence, on the other hand, is based on ACTION and related to external accomplishments. You can have a low sense of self-esteem but be highly confident or vice-versa.

For example, if you’ve always been a popular individual – straight A student, smokin’ hot and told by everyone that you could definitely be the next Taylor Swift – then this could result in self-belief fueled by approval which you tragically become addicted to. Now, you may have achieved self-confidence but because you seek external validation you have low self-esteem.

On the other hand, you can read all the fluffy Tumblr quotes about loving yourself as you are and make Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” your anthem song but it won’t help much with self-confidence unless you strive to actually achieve something concrete. Ideally, you need both self-confidence and self-esteem to be high so you can live the best quality of life possible. But, self-esteem is a deep and complex topic that I shall leave for another day.

So why should you bother with the effort to become more confident? Because confident people are attractive, interesting, more likely to be successful and generally more fulfilled individuals! Self-confidence is POWERFUL and leads to EXTRAORDINARY living.

It doesn’t have to be a temporary feeling provided by alcohol or other substances. It can be grounded in reality. It is a skill for you to achieve.

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Below, are the eight practical steps you can try (short and long term) that work for me in building and boosting self-confidence.

  1. LIVE FOR YOUR EULOGY, NOT YOUR RESUME

    Figure out who you are and then set goals that align with your strengths, personality, and interests. WRITE them down and stick it in a place where it is the first thing you see every morning and work on it every day or as often as possible.

  1. LOOK GOOD, FEEL GOOD

    This is a bit of outside-inside thinking. I feel better about myself when I eat well and workout. People who put effort into their physical appearance seem like they’re well prepared and ready to conquer the day! Looking confident on the outside makes you feel more confident on the inside.

  1. THE WONDER WO(MAN) PLUS THE MIRROR TECHNIQUE

    I encourage you all to go and watch Amy Cuddy’s TED talk on “Fake it Till You Make it” – it will change your life. She is a social psychologist who talks about how “power posing” – standing in certain postures regardless of how you feel before it can increase testosterone levels, making you more confident and even affecting your chances of success. Every morning, adopt the wonder wo(man) power pose: stand with feet apart, hands on your hips, and chin tilted upward, look deeply into your own beautiful eyes and say positive things to yourself for few minutes. Be it empowering lyrics, feminist slogans, or just plain old self-affirmation that “I can do this”.

  1. TO FAKE IT OR NOT TO FAKE IT?

    It depends on the situation. As a nurse or a doctor working in an emergency setting, faking confidence in your job will probably result in a patient’s death. It’s obviously better in certain situations to realise your limitations and ask for help. But, say you’re a teacher who needs to give a presentation on a subject you’re knowledgeable about but lack confidence in public speaking, then go ahead and pretend you’re Martin Luther King Jr. all you want.

  1. ADOPT A GROWTH MINDSET

    Your mindset determines your belief about your own abilities. Carol Dweck, a Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, identifies that people can have either a “fixed mindset” – belief that one’s ability is stagnant and cannot improve, or a “growth mindset”- belief that ability of any kind is not fixed but rather subject to change and growth. You can become your ideal self: smarter, faster, or even to be able to play the recorder with your nose. What type of mindset do you have?

  1. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

    Confidence, I’ve learned, is a muscle that gets stronger with exercise. You need to cross that bridge of discomfort because the only way out is through. Repeat as often as you can whatever it is that you’re scared of attempting – be it dating, swimming, or talking to strangers – until you’re comfortable with it. In the famous words of Beyonce:

I dream it, I work hard, I grind ‘til I own it.

  1. COMFORT ZONE CHALLENGES

    Your psychological response to a situation also affects your confidence. Despite mastering the necessary skill – say now you can play the recorder with your nose and want to do a little street performance- you find that you become increasingly nervous or are constantly worrying about what other people think. Comfort zone challenges are one way to minimise fear and maximise courage. It is a contemporary form of exposure therapy and is also where the popular “Lay down on the street for 30 seconds” challenge originates from.

  1. CUT OFF NEGATIVE PEOPLE

    According to motivational speaker Jim Rohn, you are the average of the five people you most spend time with. Do you respect the friends you surround yourself with? Do they inspire you? Even if they don’t necessarily bring you down, if they don’t contribute to your growth as an individual, let them go. Instead, develop a community of like-minded people – ones that encourage you by example to aim high.


What do you guys think? What kind of fears are holding you back and what will you do about it? Do you have any suggestions to add? Leave your thoughts in the comments below and let’s discuss! Tweet Karishma @karishma_roy and follow her blog This Curious Girl.

Breaking Up With The Internet

I’ll be the first to admit I am addicted to the internet. Like most people my age, I have become entangled in the worldwide web and it’s pretty impossible to extract my ~real~ life from the one I live in front of a computer screen. And while the internet is a wonderful and life-changing piece of technology, I can’t help but think we have gone too far. There are whole lanes dedicated to Pokemon hunters in shopping centres and just the other day I was at the train station when I heard an announcement about keeping your head up from your smartphone on the train platform to avoid accidents.

The Internet isn’t all bad. Social media has been connecting people around the world for years. I can keep in touch with family who live all over the world at any given moment. Oh and the internet is an incredible educational resource! I swear I got my degree from Google.

But is it information overload? I’m not the only person that Wikipedias an entire TV series plotline while I’m watching it – crazy, right? And with new Facebook features, I can actually locate all of my friends (and acquaintances) pretty much at all times. Spooky.

So while there are many amazing things on the internet, I think it’s time we all stepped back into the real world and here’s the little things I am doing to try and be more present:


1. Set Time Boundaries.

Limit the amount of internet you consume every day. I have decided any time before 8am and after 9pm should be internet-free. I mentioned the blue light in 5 Tips For A Better Sleep and turning your phone off earlier at night to help get a better sleep. Switching your phone off earlier means you begin to unwind quicker therefore you get a higher quality sleep at night. It’s win-win.

To make sure I stick to it, I turn my phone on to airplane mode at night and don’t turn it off until 8am the next day. This also means I’m less distracted when I’m getting ready in the morning. How many of you get out the shower and sit on the bed for like 30 minutes scrolling through your news feeds? Just me? Okay…

2. Turn Off Notifications.

This is something I tried recently and it definitely works. Go on to the notification settings on your phone. Switch off all notifications for any apps that aren’t important. I’ve kept them on for phone calls, text messages and emails but everything else (yes, even Facebook) are now switched off. That means I can only access the information when I actively go into the app or visit the sites on my laptop. When your phone is constantly lighting up every time someone likes your photo or a funny tweet you are being overly stimulated and getting sucked into the cyber world every time you check the time on your phone. Be kind to yourself; remember that not every text/tweet/email/like/comment notification needs to be dealt with straight away.

3. Swap Your Apps.

Try swapping toxic, time-wasting Internet habits for more positive and life-affirming ones. Ditch your Facebook app or online games and swap them for more positive apps and websites. There are many online apps for fitness, diet, meditation and creative thinking which will all help towards a happier and healthier life. Remind yourself that you don’t need the constant stimulation of other people’s lives when the one you’re living is so important! Every time you think about checking your Instagram or Facebook why not take 10 minutes of “me-time” instead.

Try apps like 30 Day Squat, Calm or HeadSpace. Download the free Kindle app and read a chapter of your favourite book whenever you want to cruise the internet. Also use websites like StumbleUpon which allow you to find new websites catered to your interests that will feed your brain rather than turn it into mush. Let me know what your favourite healthy lifestyle apps and websites are! Are there any life-affirming blogs that you just love?

4. Create No-Internet Spaces.

Another good tip is to have “no internet zones” in the house. For example, no phones at the dinner table or keeping the internet out of your bedroom.You don’t need to know what Sarah had for her lunch or what a great holiday Tom had while you’re cosying up to go to sleep or enjoying a meal with family and friends. I’ve never been allowed a phone at the dinner table because it’s a time to unwind and talk to your family about your day. Try these 3 Fun Ways to Avoid the Silent Dinner Table post from oprah.com.

Similarly, keep your phone far away when you’re out with friends. I’m getting increasingly annoyed when I go to a party and see everyone (including myself) fiddling on their phones instead of talking to each other. We are a generation obsessed with letting everyone online know how much fun we’re having instead of actually having fun in real life. Turn off mobile data if you’re out with friends or switch your phone on to airplane mode for that extra boost towards an internet free day. If you’re feeling really brave just leave your phone at home!

5. Discover What You Really Love.

Spending less time on the internet gives you more time to cultivate good habits and discover hobbies that make you really happy. What do you enjoy doing? What did people do before the internet? Go for a walk or a cycle. Join a new fitness class you’ve always wanted to try. What about something creative like crocheting, drawing, painting or writing? If you’re not sure what gets your blood pumping, here’s 16 Hobbies That Will Improve Your Quality of Life. When you step away from the screen and take the time to remember what you love you will start to enjoy life a whole lot more! I recently saw this lovely image on the Happiness Planner Facebook page and it really resonated with me:

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Yes, the ironic thing is that I’m writing a blog about simplifying your relationship with the internet on an online blog and as part of blogging I have to spend a lot of time on social media outlets on a daily basis. However, I’m trying to separate the time spent productively using the internet for blogging and the time I spend scrolling aimlessly through statuses and photos from people I went to school with and wouldn’t even say hello to me on the street. The Internet can be an incredible tool if you use it wisely but don’t let it take over your life!

However, if you are browsing the Internet on your break… why not follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram?

 

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